See Me
by Angelus1
Summary: You are the whole of what others see, and in the end, are defined not only by who you are, but by who others think you are.
1. Logan

Title: See Me (1/3: Logan)  
  
Author: Angelus  
  
E-mail: angelus1317@hotmail.com (Please put "See Me" on the subject line.)  
  
Subject: Dark Angel  
  
Category: MLR  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: Logan wonders how Max sees him.  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Archive: Anywhere, just ask me first.  
  
Disclaimer: Max, Logan, ect are the property of James Cameron, Charles Eglee, Cameron-Eglee Productions, and the Fox network. I don't own them. But I'd like to own Logan - does that count?! They are used here without permission (big surprise), so don't sue.  
  
Author's notes: This is the beginning of a series of short little vignettes of characters wondering how other characters see them. I have absolutely no idea how long it's going to be except for the fact that there is a Max chapter and a Zack chapter in the works.  
  
Dedication: To Mira. Thought you might need a little pick-me-up. I wish you luck with everything - just know that I'm here & I'm praying for you.   
  
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"It's just a machine." "It's an extension of my soul if there is such a   
thing." - Cindy and Max, "411 on the DL"  
  
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Sometimes I wonder how she really sees me. Am I a man to her, or a useless life form permanently attached to this goddammned piece of metal known as a wheelchair? I tend to assume that it's the latter. Maybe even a charming, good-looking guy that she's slightly attracted to at that, but I won't push my luck.  
  
God and everybody else knows that I'm attracted to her. Hell, she probably knows it, too. She's smart enough. And if Zack can figure it out then I'm sure she can.  
  
And how does she feel about Zack while we're on the subject? Is he the   
jealous, overprotective, incestual brother I see or a loving, trusting   
confidant who knows exactly where she's coming from, can understand every emotion she feels, and is good-looking to top it all off?  
  
The thought of the two of them together disgusts me. A big part of that, of course, stems from jealousy. I like to think that I'm the only man in her life, romantically or otherwise. But that's asking too much. She is allowed to have a life, after all. She is only a teenager.  
  
My god. I'm thirty four - that's practically middle-aged! Okay, that's a stretch, but still - she's only nineteen. That's a fifteen-year difference. I'm almost old enough to be her father. I wonder if she's noticed that fact at all.  
  
The thought of the two of us is actually only slightly more appealing than that of her and Zack. I've been married and divorced to an alcoholic, and she's only had one serious boyfriend. I'm not saying I'm more mature than her - growing up at Manticore does count for something, after all - only more experienced in relationships. She's been taught not to care about people of get emotionally attached. What kind of girlfriend is she going to make?   
  
And how would we look making our way down the street? An old crippled guy in a wheelchair escorting about a gorgeous, curvy young brunette. They'll probably think I'm her pimp. Or that I'm just a paying customer who gets his kicks with girls half his age.  
  
Which I am in a way - paying for her company, that is. Would she stick   
around if I didn't buy her nice things or take her nice places or cook nice meals for her?  
  
And who the hell do I think I'm kidding? I love her no matter what. And I know that she isn't attracted to my money. She may not be attracted to my body, either, but at least she's not using me. I can't believe that the thought even crossed my mind. As for our possible relationship - she threw the Manticore crap out the window long age. Like it or not, she's got friends her that she's attached to - Cindy, Kendra, Herbal... Phony sentimentality my ass. And who the ---- cares what anyone else thinks? Screw the world - if she was my girl, I'd sure as hell show her off.  
  
I've known how I feel about her for a long time, now - I love her. Without a question; beyond a shadow of a doubt.  
  
But how does she feel about me?  
  
I guess it will always come down to that, won't it?  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
angelus1317@hotmail.com. Peace, luv, and Pocky, peeps!  
  
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	2. Max

See Me (2/3: Max)  
Angelus   
See first chapter for disclaimer, etc.  
  
Author's notes: I decided to limit this to just three parts, and make it a love-triangle sorta thing, with the next chapter being Zack, then I'm done. Oh, and for the record: I never really intended to finish this, but it's amazing what you can accomplish with too much free time and an obsession with laptop keyboards.  
  
~*~  
  
Sometimes, I wonder how he sees me. Am I a real woman to him, or am I just a Manticore-created, genetically engineered freak?  
  
When we first met, it was all about the hormones. For both of us. I'd never seen such a good-looking guy. Unfortunately, he appeared to be just like any other spoiled little rich kid - a total brat with no regard for anyone but himself. I'm sure that back then, before the accident, he could've had a different girl every night. I myself would have been in danger of becoming one of those women, had it not been for Bruno's gun interrupting the slow building of a relationship that we had begun.  
  
But in the end, the shooting didn't end our friendship - it begun it. If it hadn't been for Logan ending up in the wheelchair, we might have a completely different relationship than the one we do right now, but that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.  
  
Okay, yes it would. Sort of. I won't deny that I'd give just about anything to become involved with Logan in a romantic relationship. But back then, it probably would've turned into a one-night stand. I might not have ever seen him again. But instead, guilt drove me to visit him time after time, until finally, he was under my skin.  
  
That scared me. I had felt this way about anybody before. I started looking forward to getting off of work not so that I could hang with the gang at Crash, but so I could see Logan. That's when I really started to worry. I mean, he couldn't possibly feel anything for me, right? I was just a convenient pair of legs. I convinced myself that I had humiliated myself outside of the cabin, and that Logan and Bling had a good laugh at the clingy, needy teenager I was every time I was out of the room.  
  
So I distanced myself from him. What else was I supposed to do? But there he was, always paging me and wanting to see me. And not only for work. Sometimes, he'd just call and ask me to come have dinner with him. I couldn't say no. For the past couple of weeks, we've just been reestablishing things - boundaries, duties, loyalties, etc. And I'm trying to be cool with being Logan's friend and only his friend.  
  
But now I'm right back where I started. I'm still wanting more that I should, and I still have absolutely no clue whether he feels the same. I guess I should take things like the fact that he kissed me back into consideration. And when he stood for the first time, I was positive that he was going to kiss me before his legs gave out.  
  
But I could be imagining all of this, too. I guess I just really don't want to get my hopes up to high. I'm bad with relationships. Leo, Darren, Eric... None of them were able to connect with me like Logan, and it was all my fault. This is something that I can't afford to screw up.  
  
Like it or not, I have fallen in love with Logan Cale.  
  
And now, all I can do is wait and hope that he feels the same.  
  
Here's to tomorrow. May it hold the answers I need.  
  
~*~  
  
FIN. . 


	3. Zack

See Me (3/3: Zack)  
Angelus   
See first chapter for disclaimer, etc.  
  
~*~  
  
Sometimes I wonder how she sees me. Am I a caring, concerned, if slightly overbearing brother to her, or is it completely obvious to her the perverted, incestual man that I truly am?  
  
I'm not stupid - I know it's the latter. I'm incredibly transparent. The X5's are supposed to be emotionless soldiers, and for the most part, I fit into that category. But I can't be blamed for experiencing a little emotion every now and then. When I do, however, I always manage to hide it under a facade of indifference. With everyone but Max, that is.  
  
So sue me - I fell in love with a beautiful woman. Certainly not the first time it's happened. And it wasn't a mistake either. The mistake came from letting her know how I felt. I didn't even have to say anything - she just knew.  
  
Ever since we were kids, Max and I have been able to have the type of silent communication found generally in twins or in couples that have been lovers for years. Part of it was required Manticore training that all the X5's shared, used in combat so as not to alert the enemy. But the other part just sorta grew out of nowhere. When all of the others were asleep, Max and I would talk. From Lydecker to the Blue Lady, we discussed anything and everything, and were soon able to share private conversations and inside jokes by just looking at one another.  
  
It hurts me now to see her share that with someone else. Namely Logan Cale. I know he thinks I hate him. But that hatred stems from pure jealousy. Every day, he gets closer and closer to posessing the only woman that I can't have.  
  
Yes, I'm aware of how incredibly conceited that sounds. It's not like I could get any other woman I wanted to. In fact, I'm embarrased to admit that I happen to be a virgin. Sex just seems meaningless to me at this point. Casual sex seems pointless, because its main function is to create life, and a little child with screwed-up Manticore genetics is the last thing I need right now or ever. So the only other option is to sleep with someone as proof of a love that I could never even hope to experience. I've spent so many long, lonely years fending for myself and shutting all other out that I don't even know if I believe in love anymore. I don't know if I ever did; Manticore not exactly being the best breeding ground for romance.  
  
Max most likely would disagree. I don't know much about her what she did after the escape, but I do know one large difference between her life and mine: she has friends. Cindy, Kendra, Herbal, and even Sketchy. Friends are something that I can live without. Friends get in the way. I have no friends. But Max does, and she loves them all. I guess I could halfway understand where she's coming from, even not ever having experienced it myself except with my other siblings. But then there's Logan. She feels a completely different love than that that she does for Cindy or Sketchy or me.  
  
And different than the one I feel for her, because like I said, I don't believe in traditional love. Lust, sure, and boy do I ever lust after Max. But no mushy, hearts-and-flowers kinda stuff for me. I love her in the kind of way where I know that there can never be enyone else that can ever understand me the way she does, because she experienced it with me. I know her better than anyone else - I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, sweat soaking the sheets, with the image of Lydecker burning through your brain; I know what it's like to walk down the streets with the constant fear that someone is watching you. And most importantly, I know what it's like to have to keep secets, even to the point where it feels like you'll burst if you don't tell someone.  
  
I know that Max told Logan about Manticore, and she knows how I feel about her decision. I think she even told Cindy. But no matter how different our lives are, I knoe there are some secrets that she'd never part with. Secrets that are too painful to talk about. What happened at Manticore will never be shared with anyone other than another transgenic.  
  
And so, Seattle holds nothing for me. Nothing except her, that is, but she belongs to him now. I've seen the posessive yet casual way he touches her; the way he glares at me when I attempt to do the same.  
  
I'll probably be leaving soon. For now, though, I'm content to get some quiet time up on the Space Needle: her place. No, not going to think about her anymore. But I did leave my contact number in the pocket of her jacket when I ran into her at Crash. So when the time comes that she needs someone to talk to about things that no one else in the world could understans, she'll know where to find her. I pray to the Blue Lady or whatever deity is up ther that my baby sister finds peace and hapiness in this broken city.  
  
~*~  
  
FIN  
  
A/N 2: Thanks to everyone for your patience. It feels so good to *finally* be done! 


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